LIFT EACH OTHER UP
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” —Philippians 2:3–4
When I was in my mid-20s, I was fired from my job as a pastor. I was stepping into a season of emotional, spiritual, and mental burnout, and the months that followed were some of the darkest of my life. Depression crept in, and I nearly threw away my marriage, my ministry, and my calling.
I was an absolute mess. I didn’t know which way was up. I was saying and doing things that weren’t like me—things that were destroying my marriage. And I knew it.
The heavy lifting of that season fell on Brittany. Being married to me wasn’t easy.
My wife was left to carry the load. She didn’t deserve any of it. She could’ve said, “Let me know when you get yourself together,” and walked away. She could’ve prioritized her own needs. But she didn’t.
Real-Life Examples: Jacob and Johnny
Let me introduce you to two couples from my church—Jacob and Heather, and Johnny and Emily. When I taught this sermon series on marriage, I asked both husbands to illustrate a concept.
Jacob demonstrated a pull-up. We could see the effort as he lifted himself.
Johnny, on the other hand, lifted weights with a barbell—his strength was shown by how he lifted something else.
One was self-lifting. The other was other-lifting.
The Pull-Up Mentality
Too often, marriage becomes about doing pull-ups—meeting our own needs, fighting for our own way, spending our own money, winning the argument, seeking our own happiness.
That’s the message of the world: "Look out for yourself. Get what you deserve."
But it’s not just the world talking. It’s our sin nature, too.
Picture this: You come home after a hard day, physically and emotionally drained. Your spouse is also worn down, trying to help with dinner, manage the kids, and clean up. What do you do?
If you’re like me, the pull-up temptation kicks in. Sit down, check out, focus on your comfort.
But that’s when marriages break down. That’s when the strand starts to fray.
From Pull-Ups to Bench Presses
The life Jesus calls us to isn’t self-promotion or self-preservation—it’s selflessness.
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves." (Philippians 2:3)
"Serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" (Galatians 5:13–14)
When Brittany loved me at my worst, she wasn’t doing pull-ups. She was doing bench presses. She carried me.
When I was faithless, she reminded me of God’s faithfulness. When I was selfish, she lifted me with selfless truth. When I was broken, she enlisted friends to pray with me, support me, and speak into my healing.
Her choice to lift me instead of herself saved our marriage.
Ways to Lift Your Spouse
Want to build a strong marriage? Do what Brittany did. Put yourself under the bar and start bench pressing:
Cheer for your spouse genuinely in what they do—no matter how mundane.
Sit with them over dinner and tell them what makes them amazing.
Let them pick the movie, the dinner, or the date night.
Learn what speaks love to them and do it—not for credit, but because it lifts them.
Compliment them publicly and privately.
Celebrate their wins more than your own.
Cover their failures with grace.
Let your marriage be the place where your spouse feels the most supported, the most valued, and the most loved.
Two Become One
God created us for community. He said, "It is not good for man to be alone."
Jesus created the Church to be a people who walk in unity, not individuality.
Marriage mirrors that. But in a self-focused world, marriage can become two individuals sharing space, bank accounts, and chores—instead of two becoming one flesh.
Jesus said, "The two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate." (Mark 10:8–9)
If we want to build strong marriages, it starts with dying to self.
It must be selfless.
It must be sacrificial.
It must be servant-hearted.
In Ecclesiastes 4, Solomon says two are better than one, because if one falls, the other can help them up. That’s what marriage should look like: each of you watching for ways to lift the other.
So Who Leads?
Some ask, "Who’s in charge? Who makes the final call?"
Here’s what I’ve found: when both spouses are submitting to one another in love, pursuing what’s best for the other, disagreements are rare.
The best marriages are led by mutual submission and sacrificial love. When a wife honors her husband as the Church honors Christ, and a husband loves his wife as Christ loves the Church, leadership becomes less about power and more about service.
Marriage Like the Church
A healthy church lifts up Jesus. A healthy marriage lifts up your spouse.
Ephesians 5 gives us the blueprint: submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Love your spouse like Jesus loved the Church—by giving Himself up.
If both people are lifting the other up, you won’t fall down. You’ll grow strong.
Reflection Questions:
Have you been doing more pull-ups than bench presses in your marriage?
How have you experienced Jesus lifting you up through your spouse?
What’s one practical way you can lift your spouse this week?
